Diary of a broke Playboy episode 1
Yesterday’s morning was one of those mornings when you wake up and you don’t even know what you want to do with your life. Those mornings you would come up from your bed, pick up a kitchen stool, sit in the veranda and wonder if you had any dreams last night, if it was Chinwe that was romancing you in your dream or Ifunanya that bought you a wrist watch.
I merely brushed my teeth and strolled out to a popular spot where the guys in my hood normally met to sample passing girls, discuss the games they were going to stake on or talk about how posh their wedding in Dubai will be when they can’t even afford a plate of rice for their girlfriends.
I sat in the company of some guys who like me had nothing to do that morning. They were talking about how Manchester United destroyed their various betting tickets. I was just there listening and hissing.
Like 5 minutes after I got there. Across the road from where we sat, a fight was about to break out between two teenage girls, one was light skinned and the other was Chocolate. We paid little attention to them. Everybody had his own problem. I Managed to grab some words from their vulgar exchange. They were fighting over some guy.
Before long, they were both pulling at each other. They had no hair on their head so they resorted to pulling on their clothes. I was expecting the guys with me to go and do something, instead they sat and just stared at them while they continued calling on their village deities on Manchester United’s head. Me too, i stared on like i was live on MONDAY NIGHT RAW.
“I swear that girls br£@st has stretch marks” one of the guys with me shouted.
As if on cue, the chocolate girl tore at the light skinned girls top and a part of her br£@st showed. There were clear marks on it.
The guys shouted Heeeeey.
I looked at the guy and asked him how he knew about the stretch mark.
“Guy you be learner o, So you no know say na because of me them dy fight” the guy told me with a thick mark of indifference on his face. I looked at him with utter disbelief, got up, wiped the dust from my trouser and left them. I looked once more at the girls, they were already as dirty as they can be and were pinning each other on the electric pole. I could hear the guys change their topic. They were talking about stealing the wire on the pole since NEPA hardly brought light.
I hissed and continued on my way to Ifunanya’s house. My dreams usually come true and i needed that watch.
So i was in a bus on my way to the market to buy a trouser for church service. The next day being Sunday and i needed to look good for that girl that had caught my eyes since the first day i saw her.
My Facebook messenger binged. I opened it and it was my new Ghana girl. She said hi, I said hello. We started our usual chats. I usually don’t like going far with girls that i’m sure wont be of any benefit to me. So our chat was mainly about what she ate, how she ate, the color of what she ate and who cooked what she ate. You know the usual Facebook chat. So i decide to check out her Facebook photos once more. I saw she had uploaded new pictures. These ones were clearer than the ones she uploaded in the past. I seemed to notice that all her features were clearer here and she has joined Facebook bad gang. The ones that purposely flash their B@@bs and booty at the camera. My h**ny mind set it.
So i decided to take the convo deeper.
Me: so what are you doing?
Her: I’m about to take my bath, you?
Me: well, am on my way to the market. So can I join you in the bath?
Her: sure, i will increase the bath water.
Me: just pull off and wait for me.
Her: kk, I’m waiting boo……
The conversation got more kinky. My d√¢k had already tripled in size. We were both enjoying ourselves.
We were at the peak of it all when the bus came to a halt. My d!¢k was still as hard as olumo rock. I looked up from my phone and everybody was alighting from the bus. I noticed i had gotten where i was supposed to get down. The conductor looked at me.
Me: I never reach my bus stop naa
Conductor: Oga na here we dy stop o.
I looked at him with sweat all over me and observed my d!¢k,. In my mind i was like “Oga go down naa”.
Only God knows how i managed to leave there that day with my erection.
These days. I have learnt to pocket my phone anytime I’m in a bus.
On this Friday i just needed to vent. You know that moment when all of your body itches you and you just don’t know why. Nothing seems to interest you and you just feel weak. So I was in this particular mood that day and I needed to let it out on someone. And was looking for a prey.
My whatsapp binged. I took a look and it was Chinaza, my girlfriend. Finally, a victim.
We started our chat. I have to confess, i was quite annoying but she persisted. Maybe that’s why she’s my main chic. She cares a lot.
I was determined to vent all my anger on her. So as i was going hard on her. I guess she figured out something was wrong and started to pet me, asking what the matter was. I kept maintaining nothing was wrong while being a total Sadist.
A while later when she probably got tired, she called my phone.
Her: what’s wrong?
Me: I told you nothing was wrong naa
Her: are you sure?
Me: yea. Was that why you called?
Her: not really
Her: well, i didn’t see my period
Me: who did you give it to?
Her: be serious for once naa.
Something hit me on my mind immediately. It dawned on me that she said just she didn’t see her period. The implications seemed to simmer into my head. I pause and continued, this time with much concern in my voice.
Me: how come, did you check well, i mean is your period supposed to start now?
Her: yea. Its 3 days late and i’m scared like this o.
By this time, my voice was real shaky. I couldn’t even afford a condom talk more of affording a baby.
Me: But i have always been careful naa. How come?
Her: i don’t know o. Shey i told you to buy condom that day but you were too drunk to care.
Me: nawa o. Baby are you sure?
Her:Nop, i’m not sure, i just like it more when you are scared than when you are angry. Just buy me a sanitary pad when coming. Love you. Bye bye.
She laughed hard and dropped the phone. By this time i had totally forgotten i was feeling somehow.
That girl shaa. She is crazy but i think thats why i love her.
Recently i have been bored and that increased my activities on facebook.
And so i met this new girl. Judging from her pictures, she was posh in all ramifications. So we got talking.
She was a jambite seeking admission into my school. I smiled at the prospect of hanging out with a jambito. I calculated they would be cheaper to run around with.
Long story short, i asked her out. After much whining and shakara from her, she accepted. We fixed a date, . Exchanged numbers and started looking forward to our meeting.
On a Monday afternoon like this, i was on my bed, half sleeping and half recovering from the little torment my babe, Chinaza gave me. That girl shaa.
My phone rang, i hurriedly picked and shouted a coarse hello into the mouthpiece. A very melodious female voice came up from the other end.
Me: Hello, na who be this?
Caller: Hi, its Rita, remember?
Me: Rita kwa? Rita from where?
Caller: Hey, you’ve forgotten already? We were supposed to be meeting today.
My head rang gbagam, i jumped up from my bed.
Me: yea Rita right, where are you now?
Rita: I’m about to leave my house. Just wanted to make sure it’s still going down.
Me:Ok, you can start coming, call me when you get to the school gate.
Immediately we dropped the call. I quickly grabbed my towel, ran into the bathroom, did a quick wash up, i couldn’t even remember if used soap or not.
I dressed up, picked my wallet, counted the 1000 naira notes inside, 5 in total. I slid the wallet in my pocket and ran to James, my friends room. We both lived in the same lodge. He had promised to escort me.
He hurriedly dressed up. And we both left the house. I ensured he had some money on him, just in case.
We were in a keke headed for the school gate when she called.
Me: Hey are you there yet?
Rita: Yea. We just dropped now.
Me: Ok. I will be there soon.
Then something like an audio flash back hit me.
Me: Did you say “we”
Rita: yea, i came with a friend, i didn’t know the way so i needed her to help out.
Me: Okay o. Just wait for me. I dropped the call.
James just looked at me with a wicked grin on his face and said
“Guy, u don enter”
“Her friend better be cute too or i go just deny am for there sharp sharp” i said as the keke dropped us.
Locating them wasn’t so hard. I observed her from afar and her pictures didn’t lie. She was as cute as can be. Her friend too wasn’t bad.
We approached them. Reintroduced ourselves. James just focused on her friend who’s name was Cynthia.
So we moved into the nearest eatery. Got ourselves a seat. Called the waiter. I was going to order for snacks so i could at least have some change in my pocket. Then James asked them to make the order themselves. I just eyed him, he smiled and smacked his lips.
“But get us chivita juice first and then take their orders” James was still talking. I was graphically dividing the money in my pocket with my imaginary eyes.
The Juice came. We opened it, poured into our various glasses, started sipping as the girls started making their orders. Rita was representing their interest.
“We’ll both take fried rice and chicken with lots of salad on it”
James who had his glass of juice on his lips quickly dropped it on the table. My eyes tripled in size.
“Wait, Bae are you two going to share the plate of rice or what?”
“Noo, we are getting two” Rita replied. James coughed
“Ok o” i said and faced my drink.
The waitress came back with two plates of steaming fried rice and huge chicken wings. Only God knows how i managed not to snatch the food for them. As the waitress was leaving she called after her and asked for two cups of ice cream.
I stepped hard on James feet under the table. He looked at me and grabbed his glass of juice and started gulping it.